you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
