Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize