I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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