Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
