i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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