so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize