She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize