I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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