Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
i think my cat just said my name.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize