dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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