I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I could fuck to npr.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
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