Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
