how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize