I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
