I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
