I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
