he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
You are a genius and a whore.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
