I can text with my tongue
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
