my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
