The best revenge is premature balding
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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