There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
