If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
my sisters under your porch take her home
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
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