the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
