I faked an abortion last night.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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