All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
