Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
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