After last night, I could never be a politician.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
