I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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