I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
