I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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