i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
