Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
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