she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
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