I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
