I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
