dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize
