My friends, they love my intelligence
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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