I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
When did angry sex become our thing?
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Randomize
