I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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