i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
