That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
