I think I won the penis lottery.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
