I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
