hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
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