I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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