a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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