Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
