I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
accomplished twins. life is a go
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Randomize
