life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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