I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
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