Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Come share oat with me in your robe
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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