Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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