And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
