my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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