party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
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