if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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