The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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