Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
