i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Randomize
