My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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