Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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